dennis went to the hospital yesterday, alone. :( i was still not allowed to go out because of the rain.

the dad saw his daughter awake for the first time! yey!

also, maxene is not undergoing phototherapy anymore.

i was allowed to go out today, so i finally saw her after 2 long days. she was asleep the whole time but it's okay.

i also went to my OB's clinic for a follow up check-up. she's always very easy to talk to, and also very informative. She assured me that maxene's skin turning yellow is not very serious, as it didn't happen 24 hours after birth.

it will be the 7th day tomorrow. i hope the cbc result will be positive. so i can finally take my baby home. :)

maxene has to stay at the nursery for 10 days. she gets injected with antibiotics 3 times a day to fight off an infection.

i was discharged from the hospital last september 8th. it was the second day of her treatment.

me and dennis went to the hospital to visit her yesterday. dennis went to the hospital alone today because i wasn't allowed to go out. damn rain! hehe.

we found out yesterday that maxene is now undergoing phototherapy. she stays under the blue light for a couple of minutes, three or four times a day. we asked her pedia why she needs it. she told us that maxene's skin is turning yellow, so she needed the light. but it's only until today.

but there's also some good news. the doctor will request for another blood count on her 7th day. if the white blood cells count lowers to normal, she can go home early. :)

here's a picture i took after i breastfed her:

\max(e)-ne\is pronounced mak-SEEN. It is of Latin origin, and its meaning is "greatest".

\e-lly-ce\ is pronounced el-EECE. It is of English origin. A variant of the name Elijah, which means "the Lord is my God".

~oOo~

January 21, 2008 – Singapore
I found out I was pregnant.

February 2, 2008 – Manila
I had my first ultrasound scan. I was 7 weeks pregnant. My estimated date of delivery will be on September 22. I found out I wasn’t carrying twins. Sayang, uso pa naman. :)

April 7, 2008 – Singapore
I’m 16 weeks incubating. I had another scan, and found out we “might” be having a baby girl. “Might” kasi nung tinanong nung husband ko kung sure ba yung OB na girl, sabi nya hindi daw.

July 5, 2008 – Manila
29 weeks. Sure na! It’s a baby girl! Suhi!

July 8, 2008 – Singapore
I sprained my lower back and wasn’t able to walk. Sobra daw sa lakwatsa. I was in bed rest for 4 days.

July 27, 2008 – Singapore
32 weeks. Di na sya suhi!

August 12, 2008 – Singapore
34 weeks. Getting ready to go home to Manila for the delivery. Suhi ulit!

September 5, 2008 – Manila
37 weeks. Needed another ultrasound scan to see if she’s still in breech position. If breech, consider scheduled caesarian operation. Else, normal delivery.

During the scan, the doctor found out that the amniotic fluid level was below the norm.

I was immediately admitted to the hospital.

I had an emergency caesarian operation.

And at 3:46 pm, my angel was born.

When I found out I was pregnant, for one selfish moment I cried. I cried for what will be lost. My independence, my recklessness and thirst for adventure.

Afterwards, acceptance came in. And with it, the feeling of overflowing unconditional love to the human being slowly developing inside my tummy.

And I know I’m ready as I’ll ever be.

My pregnancy was a piece of cake. No morning sickness, food cravings and mood swings. Just occasional headaches here and there. Aside from the sprained back, everything went smoothly. Mas parang naglihi pa ang daddy kesa sakin.

And I thought that the delivery will go as smoothly as the pregnancy. But I was so wrong.

On my last checkup, during the ultrasound scan, the doctor found out that the amniotic fluid is leaking and the level was below normal. It was quickly decided that I give birth that day. They ushered (more like dragged) me to the delivery room for an emergency caesarean operation, leaving my mom who was with me, my mother-in-law at her work place, and my husband in Singapore in panic trying to somehow understand and fix everything that is needed.

In my mind I still can’t believe that I’m about to give birth. At CS pa! No! Di pa pwede! Nasa turkey pa yung doctor ko! Sa September 9 pa balik!

From the delivery room they wheeled me to the operating room. While waiting for my substitute OB to start the procedure, I managed to borrow a cell phone from an intern. I texted my husband to call me immediately. This is the last call I received before undergoing the operation. He assured me that everything will be alright, and they somehow managed to fix everything at the last minute. I felt slightly relieved talking to him before the procedure started.

I was awake during the whole time. Paranoid ako, naiisip ko paano kung di ako talaban ng anesthesia! Aray ko po!

But everything went fine. All I felt was the operating table moving. After a couple of minutes, I heard a loud cry. Ayan na sya! Hehe. Tears of joy started flowing. At last! One of doctors held her out for me to kiss her forehead. Sarap, maalat-alat!

Off to the recovery room. Then I tried my best to wiggle my feet, because you have to show the nurses that you can wiggle your feet before you can get out of the recovery room. Then they sent me to my own room to rest.

Then for reasons not known to mankind, I couldn’t sleep. And for additional cruelty, I’m not allowed to talk. Kakabagan daw ako. At masakit daw yun. The torture! Hehe.

The only resort was to count flatuses (thank you mythbusters!). I was informed that I need to fart first before the dextrose could be taken off then I can start eating the next day (I’m still trying to know why. If anyone knows why the farting is important please inform me.). I was really hungry. The last time I’ve eaten was 10 am and it’s past 8 pm when I was wheeled to my room. I stopped counting at 15. :-D

The dextrose was taken off and I was allowed to eat soft food the next day. I was so eager to see my baby, but I had to wait for my OB and the pedia to visit me.

The OB arrived early but the pedia went to see me around 2 pm. I was informed that the baby will not be allowed to be taken out of the nursery. They still have to do some checks for possible infection. I cried as I was so eager to see her. So I willed myself to get up and go to the nursery to have a peek.

My third day at the hospital. September 7th. The daddy arrived at 4 am. More bad news. The pedia said that the baby has an infection. Her white blood cells count is higher than normal. She has to stay at the hospital for 10 more days. They are giving her antibiotics thrice a day.

Again, tears came. And the thought that somehow everything is my fault. For not knowing that I was already leaking amniotic fluid, I’ve put my baby’s life in danger.

So with every opportunity until I was discharge, I get up to go see to her. I still can’t believe she’s sick, seeing her so full of life. Every time I hold her I wanted to go and run away and take her out of the nursery. Even if I know that in my current condition, a turtle could easily outrun me. But every time I hold her I feel no pain. No raw stitches, no swollen breasts. As long as she’s with me, everything’s fine.

They tell us she’s responding well to the medication. We’re hoping and praying everything will be okay. Extra bonus if she’ll be discharged earlier.

I went home from the hospital last September 8th. Maxene has to stay until the 16th.

I feel sorry for my husband who took a week off from work and flew here to Manila as soon as he can and he could not even touch her. All he can do is look at her from the nursery window.

I am writing here and I feel like my heart stopped beating.

I want the endless cries and the sleepless nights that comes with having a newborn baby.

And so I wait.

Then we’re off to see Daddy.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

*****************************

"Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them fell good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take."

=)

eto na naman.. malapit na naman tayong magcelebrate ng anniversary natin.. parang ambilis, pero isang taon na naman pala ang nakalipas.. isang taong puno ng tawa, luha, pag-ibig at pangungulila..


habang iniintay natin ang ating "special day", na buti na lang na maicecelebrate nating magkasama, me nabasa ko sa pag-iikot ko sa internet.. isang quotation galing kay Kahlil Gibran, sabi nya:
"Everyone has experienced that truth: that love, like a running brook, is disregarded, taken for granted; but when the brook freezes over, then people begin to remember how it was when it ran, and they want it to run again.."


sakto diba?


ilang beses na din tayong naghiwalay.. ilang beses na ding nagpalit ng anniversary date.. ilang beses nang umiyak, nasaktan at nanumbat.. pero hanggang ngayon tayo pa din..


bakit nga ba?


bakit nga ba na sa kabila ng paulit ulit ko na pagsuko, andyan ka pa din? lagi mo pa ding sinasabi na di ka bibitaw??


bakit nga ba na sa kabila ng paulit ulit nang nasasaktan ang damdamin ko andito pa din ako? nakaalalay pa din ako sayo??


andami nang nangyari.. andami na nating pinagdaan..


at patuloy na pinagdadaanan.. pero eto pa din tayo, di nadadala..


oo.. magkahiwalay tayo ngayon, at ang tanging pinanghahawakan ay ang pangako natin sa isa't - isa.. na mahal mo ko at mahal din kita..


kahit gaano man kakomplikado ang sitwasyon natin ngayon, sapat na naman siguro yun diba??


sapat na siguro yun para sabihin natin na tayo na nga talaga.. :)




***************************
i hope that we never let the brook freeze again, lest we freeze it to the core and never see it run again..

you're casually looking into a photograph.. then your eyes went right straight to a familiar face, and you just suddenly, uncontrollably, held your breath.. for a moment you thought that your heart stopped beating.. after a couple of seconds, tears welled up in your eyes and the first thing that came into your mind is that you miss this person terribly.. and that you would give everything just to gaze right into those expressive eyes, smile lovingly back to that wonderful face and sit right next to this one person you knew you want to be with everyday, for the rest of your life..