for love, pain, tears and smiles..

January 21, 2008 – Singapore
I found out I was pregnant.

February 2, 2008 – Manila
I had my first ultrasound scan. I was 7 weeks pregnant. My estimated date of delivery will be on September 22. I found out I wasn’t carrying twins. Sayang, uso pa naman. :)

April 7, 2008 – Singapore
I’m 16 weeks incubating. I had another scan, and found out we “might” be having a baby girl. “Might” kasi nung tinanong nung husband ko kung sure ba yung OB na girl, sabi nya hindi daw.

July 5, 2008 – Manila
29 weeks. Sure na! It’s a baby girl! Suhi!

July 8, 2008 – Singapore
I sprained my lower back and wasn’t able to walk. Sobra daw sa lakwatsa. I was in bed rest for 4 days.

July 27, 2008 – Singapore
32 weeks. Di na sya suhi!

August 12, 2008 – Singapore
34 weeks. Getting ready to go home to Manila for the delivery. Suhi ulit!

September 5, 2008 – Manila
37 weeks. Needed another ultrasound scan to see if she’s still in breech position. If breech, consider scheduled caesarian operation. Else, normal delivery.

During the scan, the doctor found out that the amniotic fluid level was below the norm.

I was immediately admitted to the hospital.

I had an emergency caesarian operation.

And at 3:46 pm, my angel was born.

When I found out I was pregnant, for one selfish moment I cried. I cried for what will be lost. My independence, my recklessness and thirst for adventure.

Afterwards, acceptance came in. And with it, the feeling of overflowing unconditional love to the human being slowly developing inside my tummy.

And I know I’m ready as I’ll ever be.

My pregnancy was a piece of cake. No morning sickness, food cravings and mood swings. Just occasional headaches here and there. Aside from the sprained back, everything went smoothly. Mas parang naglihi pa ang daddy kesa sakin.

And I thought that the delivery will go as smoothly as the pregnancy. But I was so wrong.

On my last checkup, during the ultrasound scan, the doctor found out that the amniotic fluid is leaking and the level was below normal. It was quickly decided that I give birth that day. They ushered (more like dragged) me to the delivery room for an emergency caesarean operation, leaving my mom who was with me, my mother-in-law at her work place, and my husband in Singapore in panic trying to somehow understand and fix everything that is needed.

In my mind I still can’t believe that I’m about to give birth. At CS pa! No! Di pa pwede! Nasa turkey pa yung doctor ko! Sa September 9 pa balik!

From the delivery room they wheeled me to the operating room. While waiting for my substitute OB to start the procedure, I managed to borrow a cell phone from an intern. I texted my husband to call me immediately. This is the last call I received before undergoing the operation. He assured me that everything will be alright, and they somehow managed to fix everything at the last minute. I felt slightly relieved talking to him before the procedure started.

I was awake during the whole time. Paranoid ako, naiisip ko paano kung di ako talaban ng anesthesia! Aray ko po!

But everything went fine. All I felt was the operating table moving. After a couple of minutes, I heard a loud cry. Ayan na sya! Hehe. Tears of joy started flowing. At last! One of doctors held her out for me to kiss her forehead. Sarap, maalat-alat!

Off to the recovery room. Then I tried my best to wiggle my feet, because you have to show the nurses that you can wiggle your feet before you can get out of the recovery room. Then they sent me to my own room to rest.

Then for reasons not known to mankind, I couldn’t sleep. And for additional cruelty, I’m not allowed to talk. Kakabagan daw ako. At masakit daw yun. The torture! Hehe.

The only resort was to count flatuses (thank you mythbusters!). I was informed that I need to fart first before the dextrose could be taken off then I can start eating the next day (I’m still trying to know why. If anyone knows why the farting is important please inform me.). I was really hungry. The last time I’ve eaten was 10 am and it’s past 8 pm when I was wheeled to my room. I stopped counting at 15. :-D

The dextrose was taken off and I was allowed to eat soft food the next day. I was so eager to see my baby, but I had to wait for my OB and the pedia to visit me.

The OB arrived early but the pedia went to see me around 2 pm. I was informed that the baby will not be allowed to be taken out of the nursery. They still have to do some checks for possible infection. I cried as I was so eager to see her. So I willed myself to get up and go to the nursery to have a peek.

My third day at the hospital. September 7th. The daddy arrived at 4 am. More bad news. The pedia said that the baby has an infection. Her white blood cells count is higher than normal. She has to stay at the hospital for 10 more days. They are giving her antibiotics thrice a day.

Again, tears came. And the thought that somehow everything is my fault. For not knowing that I was already leaking amniotic fluid, I’ve put my baby’s life in danger.

So with every opportunity until I was discharge, I get up to go see to her. I still can’t believe she’s sick, seeing her so full of life. Every time I hold her I wanted to go and run away and take her out of the nursery. Even if I know that in my current condition, a turtle could easily outrun me. But every time I hold her I feel no pain. No raw stitches, no swollen breasts. As long as she’s with me, everything’s fine.

They tell us she’s responding well to the medication. We’re hoping and praying everything will be okay. Extra bonus if she’ll be discharged earlier.

I went home from the hospital last September 8th. Maxene has to stay until the 16th.

I feel sorry for my husband who took a week off from work and flew here to Manila as soon as he can and he could not even touch her. All he can do is look at her from the nursery window.

I am writing here and I feel like my heart stopped beating.

I want the endless cries and the sleepless nights that comes with having a newborn baby.

And so I wait.

Then we’re off to see Daddy.