yes.. i am giving up.. i am giving up the hope that everything will fall into place.. just like before.. no.. it won't happen.. for now, i can say that.. he's too absorbed in his own world to be able to notice my feelings and expectations.. i knew that, maybe earlier in my subconsciousness, but i have always known it.. and i am also to blame, i know.. i act as if i couldn't care less.. that's what i am showing him.. the toughie me.. i don't want to be like this, really, but i've sunk too deep into this shit that i will just go with the flow.. if this will lead me into being so badly beaten and bruised again then i don't mind.. i have been in that state before, i'll just get up and fight back again.. or maybe i won't..

~oOo~

~oOo~

"i had mistaken his eyes for stars so i followed him where he went.. the sight of those stars made me dream and the dreams were beautiful but not more beautiful than the light of the stars i thought i saw in his eyes.. i chased the stars down to where they stopped and stayed still.. he saw me finally and he said, ever so gently, sorry, you've mistaken my eyes for stars and they're not.. and i said, oh, i see that now and maybe i should have been sad when he was looking at me.. they were not stars but they were just as bright, if not more so.. i know now that they are not stars, i told him, but i like them.. can i stay here to look at them?? i asked him and he smiled and said, yes, you can stay here and look at them.. so he let me stay and here i am and there i will be until he lets me go.."

~oOo~